Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

My life needs editing.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.