Famous Funny Quotes

Funny quotes by famous authors of the world. Browse our latest collection of famous quotes on Fun. Feel free to share with friends and family.

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

— Mark Twain

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

— Oliver Herford

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

— Mitch Hedberg

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

— George Carlin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

— Steve Martin

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

— W. H. Auden

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

— Benjamin Franklin

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

— Henry Kissinger

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

— Robin Williams

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

— Mark Twain

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

— Dr. Seuss

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

— Jules Renard

I can resist everything except temptation.

— Oscar Wilde

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

— Ron White

My life needs editing.

— Mort Sahl

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

— Hedy Lamarr

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

— Oscar Levant

Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.

— Eminem

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

— Abraham Lincoln
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